I continue to think about "us" a lot. Before I go to bed, I go to bed with this yucky feeling in my chest and even when I wake up, its really the same feeling. I don't know what I think about "us" anymore. If I could remove all these feelings, I would love to somehow, but I just don't think its possible. Usually, our telephone conversations have akward silences. Sure, its my fault. I know. I do things in my daily events which he would disapprove of tremendously.
Before I make a irrational judgement on our relationship as a whole, I must give him the benefit of the doubt and give him a 100% of me. I've been lying to him, making up so many stupid stories and if I stop that, only then do I have the right to say, yeah I gave him a 100% and I was not receiving it back and break up the relationship. He says he loves me, but I do not think he necessarily does. I believe he uses "I love you" to say, "Lina, I know shit is bad and I'm here and won't end this between us". So I was thinking, if I can avoid doing things he disapproves of, then we would have more to chat about when we call each other. So I think its final, trips to la la land must wait because I have many important issues to deal with. He does not like my trips to la la land, nor does he have any idea I used to go there daily. But today is a new day, and la la land is too far.
The bottom line of how I feel is this:
do I love him?: maybe
do I trust him?: no
do I think this will last?: no
Will I try my best to make it last?: yes
************************************************************************************
Last night I had a dream that I was throwing up uncontrollably. This is the definition that I got:
To dream of throwing up means either that you are getting sick, or that you will be connected with a scandalous rumor or situation. To see others throwing up, symbolizes that you will realize someone who seemed nice is actually lying to you.
I guess I am getting sick of the scandalous situation I'm in, nicely placed.
