Are you listening mother?

I would continuously wake up from recurring nightmares. They would take my mother away from me in my dreams. I loved my mother and still do dearly. I would wake up, shaking only to be reintroduced to an empty dark room. I would look towards the window to see the Christmas lights flashing. They were of all colors. It was well past Christmas but there was no mom to take them down. My mom was in the hospital throughout my childhood. The doctors couldn't diagnose what the problem was. As days went by, she suffered more and more and became unrecognizable. I was usually afraid to visit her because I felt as if it would be my last visit. When I did visit her, I would never say goodbye. To me, a goodbye might never bring a hello. My brother would usually walk me to the Jane and Finch mall, where I would have a meal at the McDonalds. My mothers friend would come to bathe me ever so often to be sure I maintain a good hygiene. I recall once when my mom came from the hospital, she walked me to school in the morning. It was very slippery outside since it was in the winter. During the walk, my mom fell, and seemed extremely hurt. I wanted to grab her and try to take her home but I was so small, I couldn't help my mom get up. I held my tears and stood there while my mom was on the cement, so weak. She looked at me and said "Lina go to school, I'll be fine". I couldn't bear it, I turned to walk towards the school and didn't look back. She went through such ordeals and the least I can give her is my commitment to my studies. How may I turn to her and say all she tried to do and expected from me will not be accomplished. I am where I am today because she expects a lot from me and this is the very least I could do in return. I recall one time when I was 4, my mom was not feeling well again and we had to call the ambulance. I was sick of her leaving so I wore her jacket and her shoes, grabbed her purse and turned to her and said, "if they come for you, I'm going to say I am you, so you never have to leave again".
But she did leave and once again I held back my tears.