I don't NEED this... 

I don't NEED this...

I do not know where I stand. I do not know how long it will take for my recovery. I'm not one to commit at this point... I don't need authority. I don't need to hide secrets. I don't need to worry about whether I'm making a mistake trusting a guy. I don't need to worry whether what he says is sincere or not. I don't need to think of a future for him and I. I don't need to think about settling down. I don't need to have drama. I don't need to have arguments. I don't need someone to leave me. I don't need to leave someone.. I don't need to listen to false promises. I don't need to give any. I don't need to take back anything I say because nothing needs to be said. I don't need to pretend I'm perfect. I don't need to fulfill one's sexually desires. I don't need to make myself worry. I don't need to cry myself to sleep. I don't need to doubt things. I don't need to waste my time. I don't need to have someone who's there for the thrills. I don't need someone to appreciate who I am for my genetic attire. I don't need to think of you. I don't want to think of you. I wish I could stop thinking about you.

Making OUT miRRors

Mirrors are amazing. I've always been attracted to mirrors. If I had my own place, I would have mirrors everywhere. EVERYWHERE.




I was wondering whether to get my tongue pierced again. I might, but I'll hate the fact that I will not be able to make out the same way. It'll be more difficult trying to stick my tongue into another's mouth. I enjoy making out. Oh yeah. I enjoy making out especially infront of mirrors. Try fucking in front of a mirror. Now that gets me so HOT.

Chit CHat

I got up at 2 pm today. I slept at 5 am though. I guess I just couldn't sleep. I was around the house the whole day. Mazdak called me when I was taking a bath. He said I need to be 100% sure about all things and never look back. I want to move forward and stay focused on certain goals. I don't know what I want and how bad I want it. So I got a unexpected call from Mike Rossi. (check Friday blog) I seriously was not looking forward to his call. I didn't place much thought into him. We talked for 97 minutes. The call lasted longer than most of my relationships. We made a bet on something. Whomever wins the bet, the other person must buy the winner two beers. So I guess you could say that....We are going to meet again. What am I looking to get out of this? I don't expect anything out of it. Maybe that's what I should do differently. Without expectations, you'll always be surprised. Oh and lets not forget the reason why I'm so doubtful is because I went to high school with Mike. Oh yeah and the main reason happens to be because he went out with Hana. That's just wrong. Hana is my best friend. We'll have to see how this one unfolds...

Traumatisement

Once again this advertisement has found its way onto my computer screen. Why you ask? Well, I dont know but I know it really gets under myskin. Why you ask...

Well, I would rephrase the wording of "She married him?" to "He married her?". Like seriously, even if they were in your classes and they did get married, how would you realize if you never acknowledge their existence?

Once again, I suggest this type of advertisement. (Hot chicks always get the most hits):

Any Evening Plans?

Phone companies. Fuckers. They now have officially changed their evening hours. The evening no longer begins at 6pm. No, it has been changed to 9 pm (However, you may upgrade your evenings to 6pm for only an additional $5.00 a month.) So this whole time you thought you were yapping for free after 6pm, well guess who's paying for it? You! HA!


So I looked up the definition of "evening" and I came across this:

Informally, the evening refers to the period in which the daylight is decreasing, between the afternoon and night; it extends from the latter portion of the daylight (before sunset) until dark (after sunset).

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evening



...But I guess the definition above might be a little outdated all thanks to the phone companies trying to make more MooooooooooooooLLAH!

FinaL DestinaTion : HoME

What a day. I got home from Cat's around 1 pm. Slept, ate food, and watched Springer. I woke to Mazdak's call. He told me a few secrets. He then asked me what I was doing and that we should get together. So Mazdak drove to Oshawa to me. (All my friends come and see me very often and some idiot once said long distance relationships can't work) He came and we smoked. Yeah, just like every day, I lost a few more brain cells. We decided to watch a movie. Mazdak wanted to watch the "Pink Panther" but I wanted to watch "Final Destination 3". Of course I got my way. Mazdak wasn't comfortable with watching a scary movie. He said he would get too afraid. I never watched a horror flick high. I wanted it to be the night. We got our popcorn and nachos. Mazdak sprinkled so much seasoning on the popcorn! He also made a crazy design on the nachos. As if he was a chef and the nachos were his specialty dish. Its always fun watching a movie with Mazdak. We usually crack up so much jokes. We make the movie what it is. The whole experience within it self. At certain points however, Mazdak was so terrified that he held wrapped his arms around my arm. That movie was very retarded. Like I don't know whether to laugh, cry, or kill myself. On our drive back to my place, we smoked another joint and Mazdak was begging me not to go home because he was afraid of his surroundings (farm land) while driving. I made sure I locked my side of the door when I went home.

Joe's Intentions

So I went down to Toronto yesterday. Went to Hana's place. We did our "thang". Afterwards, Hana helped me prepare for my evening plans. Catalina and I went to Joe's. It's a club downtown Toronto. The crowd is so gay. The ugliest girls with the stupidest clothes, with the nastiest guys and yeah. It was dirty. So as always, when I'm tramatized with my scenery, the best I can do is enjoy where I am. I'm a girl that is very much open-minded and I don't care where I am because in the end I make it fun for myself. So I went to the bar, because if I want to enjoy myself in such an atmosphere, I must be intoxciated somehow. I had 8 martinis. Didn't feel anything. I eyed with my little some hunk that was incredibly hot. Like hot hot hot. I obviously didn't throw myself at him. If he wanted me, he could come and get me. And ofcourse he did. He asked me if I would like to dance with him. And then offered to get buy me a drink. I said no (because a lady always says no the first time) So he asked again, and I said yes. We drank and drank and drank. Then I began asking questions like for a name, location, job title. Well he said his name was Mike. Okay...then he said he went to my high school. Okay...when he mentioned his last name, I dropped my drink. I knew this hunk from way before then last night. We went to the same high school at the same time and had gym class at the same time. INFACT, I happened to hook him up with Hana and they went out for like a month or something. He seriously did change and he didnt recgonize me but then obviously the truth was thrown at us and yeah. It was hectic. He asked me for my number, I placed it in his cell phone. Then he said to also put my name. Hmm, I asked him if he remembered what my name was. He said "Your Hana's friend" LOL. yeah dah idiot. But because he didn't know, I didn't offer to tell him. I said "Listen, when you figure out what my name is then you may give me a call" and with that I left. Muahaha. We left the club and then the alcohol really hit me then. We pulled over, I tried to have a hot dog but totally puked after taking my first bite. Yeah, thats what happens when you forget your limit!

E-mail to the EX

I sent my ex an e-mail. Why you ask? Because I felt like it. So Anyways, this is what was written:


Subject -

"I'm sorry..."

Message -
"...but no matter how hard you may try, you will never be a REAL man"


Simplicity is the way to go!

Dignity for SALE

My dad is a jerk. No really, I really mean it. I have so much hate towards him that it's actually turning into self-hate knowing how I can be related to such a man. Not a man, the term "man" is too sacred and should not be used for a jerk. This man will die, and not one tear of mine will be seen. For what reason am I so bitter? I'm not bitter, but I've mourned his death when I was a child and he walked out on my family. A sick mother and an innocent daughter is what that coward left behind. How can I talk about my father in such a manner?! Well, surprisingly, not everyone wins the title "father". But surely, let me assure you one can win the title "coward". He left when I was 12, before then, he never gave a fuck about me either. I don't have much memory of him, either I totally wiped him out of my memory or my drugs inhabited my brain cells. I knew it was coming though, from an early age I would have extremely vivid dreams about my father. My father precisely. We were always driving him to the airport. He was always getting on a plane in my dream. I would see his plane leave also in my dreams. Surely, my dreams from a young age must have been a forecast of what was to come. He lives happily now. Seriously seems like a fairy tale for him. To leave and start new. His wife is younger than my sister. She takes computer courses and drives a new car and sports a $18,000 engagement ring. Does she work? No way! A princess never works. She shops though and we all know how much shopping can become tiresome. So working is out of the question. Anyhow, how does this rich lifestyle come to play? She's stealing everything I have. Well not directly, but she stole my father. He hasn't paid a month of child support. He left us when my mom was in the hospital. We weren't even able to pay for the rent nor food and my mom was devastated because of how dependent she was of him. She cried, possibly nonstop for 6 months from what I can recall. Ouch, it hurts to remember. But whatever. What happened between their marriage is their own personal business. However, what happened between him and I is completely uncalled for. Before he left, my mom asked him "how could you walk away from your family, not us, but your daughter", he looked over at me and replied "she's going to grow up to be a bitch anyways" Hm, at the age of 12 that is something you seriously don't need to hear. It does damage, creates deep scars. I begged him last month to help me out. He said he can't. He said I should get a job and I tried explaining that if he doesn't expect his wife to work because she needs to concentrate on how to use Microsoft word, then how difficult it could be for me to maintain both my studies and a job. How can he do that? How can he give my dignity to that woman. He pretty much is giving my dignity by giving what should be rightfully mine to her! I shouldn't think of whoring myself so I could support myself. You know, my father was right about one thing though.

I have grown to be a bitch because I have not been given the opportunity to be a better person. He should sincerely thank himself for selling his daughter's dignity.

Class Time to MATE

The Last thing I would want to do is contact my classmates if they looked like that. Does this type of advertisement really work??






I suggest classmates.com advertise something more like this:

STrip-Whore

I am of the lowest class structure in this country. Not only that but my professor callled me a conservative. Those two together can make a deadly combination. I am poor yet I have a fucken ego. Another bad combination. I need a part-time job but minimum wage isn't going to help me either. So I thought either I can ask my parents for help, and if they refuse, then to turn to fast money making business. How much is my dignity worth? stay tuned to see how this journey will unfold.

BLinD FaTe

The past two days mainly consisted of renovating the house I moved out of. We still didn't place the house on sale and want to make the most money out of it so we are pretty much working our butts off trying to make it look amazing. I've been pretty exhausted from all the work involved though. I went out on a date tonight. Well, not really a date because I'm not interested in dating but more of a meeting? LOL. The problem here was that it was someone my friend jenny introduced me to. Well she kind of introduced my e-mail and number to him. This was in the summer, probably the month of August. So anyhow this guy "E" and I have been talking here and there, msging each other here and there. But we never arranged to meet until tonight. It was pretty random, it kinda just happened. Sadly as it sounds, it was one of the most very awkward meetings ever! I forgot his name first off, and felt so stupid asking him for his name when we've been talking since August. Coming back from our date, I still don't know his name!!!! I was talking to Tahani last night and she happened to mention my ex is supposedly a pimp! He bragged to her how he has 5 girlfriends now (They happen to be neighbors) . I told her, he probably needs one for each day of the week. That kid is a joke, at his age he's doing what he's doing is just a shame. Am I bothered that he has 5 girlfriends? No, surely one can't seem to be enough and he needs 5 in order to make up one "ME". I am sure glad I woke up from that nightmare. Our dating period, that is.

Eh MEN

So I've purchased a book before Valentine's. I don't know why but it actually caught my attention and I bought it. It's called Read my Hips by Eve Marx and its supposed to be about "the sexy art of flirtation" anyhow, as I was taking a bath today and was reading when I came upon a really interesting topic. It's called "Glibido" and "Glibidiots. And as it seemed, I think every guy I've ever met fit into one of the two categories;



GLIBIDO

Everyone knows someone who is a total flirt who is "all talk and no action." A person suffering from "glibido" are usually razor-sharp flirts who can flirt up cats, dogs, men, women, basically anything that's breathing. Some of the notorious men suffering from glibido are the Ambivalent Guys- the ones who are deathly afraid to commit to anything, even a brand of toothpaste. This guy seems like he's great fun at first, and he hints wanting to see more of you, but then he slips off into the crowd and you never see him again. Either that, or he asks for your number and never calls. Talk about all talk and no action!

Following are some common glibido traits and characteristics:

He seems magnanimous, and he is always armed with ready quips. He can make a pun or a joke out of anything.

He's got a big ego and it shows.

He's usually a good dresser.

He's urbane, suave. You're wondering, "Is he gay?"

He's got smooth moves- too smooth. He fetches you a fresh drink before you even knew yours was empty, and he drops pick-up lines on you that are over the top.

He's bold and confident. Warning! He can be sexually aggressive!


GLIBIDIOT

Where glibidos are suave and sexy, glibidiots are not quite as well spoken. Unfortunately, this is one of the hazards of flirting with the same guy for an extended period of time - if you run into a glibidiot, he may get too attached to you too quickly, in a puppy-love sort of way. You know you had a run in with a glibidiot if he keeps blurting out very wrong things at very wrong moments. He usually jumps that border from healthy, innocent exchange right over to expressing his achingly painful crush on you with record speed. Sure, sometimes it's cute. In more extreme cases, it makes for an incredibly uncomfortable situation. Under certain circumstances (usually ones fueled by alcohol) the glibidiot is likely to say some (or all ) of the following:

"Oh, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to spill on you!"

"Would you marry me...Tonight?"

"I'm very attracted to you. So is my girlfriend."

I just can't stop staring at your breasts. Are they real?

Abso-SLutely Whore-Able!

I was just thinking of my single status. I am totally enjoying it. I've realized how much of a pain relationships can really be? Honestly, what's this who constitution of marriage? To spend $100,000 on a wedding, then buy a home, have a child or two, and buy a dog. Then, wait 6 years, have an affair with your boss, get a divorce, joint custody of the children, and let the man keep his best friend (dog). Well if that's how my destiny was set, then I'll do everything in my power to change that. Fuck men, yeah fuck you. I will maybe, if you ask nicely. So anyhow, I thought in what ways in 6 weeks from now can I make the most of my piercing? Well, of course there is me, but then there must be another. I'm straight, so woman are out of the question. Men. Yeah those fuckers. I'll need one. Just purely on the JFS (just for sex) circumstances. Of course there will be a set of rules to abide by. I'm not completely sure of what but I'm sure I can think of some on top of my head:

1. Must be hot. HOT HOT HOT
2. Must have own place (I'm not one for cars and the thrills you may get along with it)
3. Must have a ride (There is no way, I'm going to drive, he must pick me up)
4. Must be clean (disease free rather)
5. Must have good hygiene (If I can take 2 baths a day, I'm sure he could take 1 shower a day)
6. Must be single and have no sexual intercourse with another person
7. Must perform passionately, I hate one minute men
8. Must not be interested in being in a relationship anytime in the near future

That is the must important things I'm looking for, sure there is more involved, but these are all the criteria the man must meet before I even consider it his JFS status in the back of my mind.

Woah-MAN

Saturday was hectic, I was so fucked from the day before that I was constantly yearning to smoke that nice chronic again. I'm beginning to sound like the biggest junkie in the world and I don't seem to give a fuck. As long as I'm doing very well in school, what does all this matter to me? Hana came over last night, we smoked so much. We were loving every second of it and just chilled in my room. We put the ceramic stove beside us and lit all my candles (I have alot of candles) Today just consisted of doing nothing and smoking and relaxing. I love the weekends, so relaxing, so enjoyful. so yummy!

aDDicteD to this heDonistic paraDox
 

I'm not THAT innocent

It's been a very hectic week. I was really preparing myself for my mid-terms, spending endless amount of hours just studying, and studying and studying. I finished Wednesday night, and felt so relieved. I went out with Brom that night and smoked in the car while he watched me. We went to Mandarin (Buffet) and then I went home to catch up on some major sleep. I woke up Thursday, and remembered it was the 16th. The day I was to get my clitoris piercing. I looked out the window, it had snowed hard the night before. I had a long drive ahead of me too. I had to go to Downtown Toronto and I was in north Oshawa (approx. 45 -1 hour drive) I went to Hana's, picked her up and since the road conditions were really bad, we decided to take the subway downtown. Surely during the ride, Hana would question me about any doubts I had of getting my piercing. I didn't want to even think about it. It was something that needed to be done and I was going to do it because I said I would. So we went down to the piercing place and let me tell you how freaken cold it was. We were practically running to this place. So we get there and go to the counter and yeah I feel a tad bit embarrassed to tell them what they can help me with. I said I wanted to get my hood pierced and the guy looked at me and said "well, I can book you an appointment to come back tomorrow" Tomorrow?!!? tomorrow would have been the 17th and I wanted this done on the 16th!! There was no way. Fuck that. I told him of the troubles I had to go through to get there and to be told I can't get it because his reasoning was that the two people that do genital piercing are off on Thursdays and he had never performed one. I told him there always had to be a first, but he just refused. (I wouldn't have really let him pierce my very sensitive area anyhow, I just wanted to see what he would say) So there we were, came all that way and they were refusing to pierce my clit. I was extremely frustrated so I told Hana it was our mission to be sure I get it pierced the same day. I thought of where I got my tattoo done, it was a good 30 minute walk to that place (Yonge st tattoos) We walked in, asked a ton of questions, and yes I was finally ready. The person who performed the piercing, LOL, was soo cool. Her name was Vanessa and she was extremely easy going. So yeah, I did it. Did it hurt? It was a very quick pain. It was a sharp pain. It looks really hot though. Seriously. Even Vanessa was complimenting how hot it looked. Nice. I got home much later, through traffic and the weather conditions. I took my sea salt bath. I got a phone call from Jackie, she said Rim Rock was rockin' on Thursday nights and that we should hit the club that night. I was unsure if I should go clubbing considering I just got my piercing. I decided to go anyways. I went over to Jackie's house, everyone was there already. I brought over some tequila and started my drinking. By the time we left her place, I was already smashed. I went to this Rim Rock place, not even planning on waiting on the huge line. I just went to the bouncer and said your going to let me in right? Yup he did. Unfortunately, he didn't let my friends in, LOL. So I grabbed Jackie, and we proceeded to the dance floor. I bumped into soooooo many people I know. LOL. And I'm new to Durham. After an hour, we started looking for our friends. We searched everywhere and they were no where to be found. I looked outside- to see perhaps they might still be in line (no fucking way) THEY WERE! I was soo pissed, I went out and started yelling at the bouncer. Stupid bitch needed to get laid. LOL. I then turned to the other bouncer, and said "I'm gonna bounce if you don't let my friends in now". He let them in. LOL. Yeah we partied. I recgonized this guy in my program there. I tried many times to flirt with him in school but he wouldn't look my way sooo it never happened. LOL. He was talking about how fucked up the night was and I directly went up to him. I whispered in his ear, "You make it was it is, relax and take it easy". He just looked and me, and I said I've been seeing you around. He said I never show up to my lectures. And I replied by saying he'll see me more often, then I grabbed him, kissed him and just walked away. We left the club and went back to Jackies. For some reason, I felt extremely liberated, and decided to walk in only my panties. LOL. Yeah thanks for Jackie's silk robe, everything would be exposed if she hadn't of forced me to wear it. I woke up to see myself topless on Jackie's bed. She was beside me. I didn't understand why I did what I did. LOL. I woke up Nisha (my friend from uni) she was sleeping on the couch. We went over to my house and ate cake in the morning. LOL. But I must say, I have never smoked this kinda weed that I smoked on Friday night. Masso called me and told me to come over. I went over to his place and to be honest, I have never smoked that type of weed in my life. I got sooooooooooooo fucked. I was seriously just speechless. Everything was just ?!!?!?!?!?! I asked him to drop me home. I honestly wanted to just lock myself in my room. I go to my room and my disconnected phone starts ringing?!?! WTF? lol. I was so scared to pick it up. I picked it up it was Fares, he said he was by my house with Brom and I should come out. I tried to convince them that I was pretty fucked up but they insisted. We went out, and they introduced me to more joints. LOL. I was brain dead. The rest of the night seemed pretty blurry.

Are you listening mother?

I would continuously wake up from recurring nightmares. They would take my mother away from me in my dreams. I loved my mother and still do dearly. I would wake up, shaking only to be reintroduced to an empty dark room. I would look towards the window to see the Christmas lights flashing. They were of all colors. It was well past Christmas but there was no mom to take them down. My mom was in the hospital throughout my childhood. The doctors couldn't diagnose what the problem was. As days went by, she suffered more and more and became unrecognizable. I was usually afraid to visit her because I felt as if it would be my last visit. When I did visit her, I would never say goodbye. To me, a goodbye might never bring a hello. My brother would usually walk me to the Jane and Finch mall, where I would have a meal at the McDonalds. My mothers friend would come to bathe me ever so often to be sure I maintain a good hygiene. I recall once when my mom came from the hospital, she walked me to school in the morning. It was very slippery outside since it was in the winter. During the walk, my mom fell, and seemed extremely hurt. I wanted to grab her and try to take her home but I was so small, I couldn't help my mom get up. I held my tears and stood there while my mom was on the cement, so weak. She looked at me and said "Lina go to school, I'll be fine". I couldn't bear it, I turned to walk towards the school and didn't look back. She went through such ordeals and the least I can give her is my commitment to my studies. How may I turn to her and say all she tried to do and expected from me will not be accomplished. I am where I am today because she expects a lot from me and this is the very least I could do in return. I recall one time when I was 4, my mom was not feeling well again and we had to call the ambulance. I was sick of her leaving so I wore her jacket and her shoes, grabbed her purse and turned to her and said, "if they come for you, I'm going to say I am you, so you never have to leave again".
But she did leave and once again I held back my tears.

The show goes on

So I've semi settled into my new place. My room is a tad bit smaller than my old room. However the house is huge! There are four floors, lol. I had a nightmare last night even though my dream catcher was up. It was about Hana astrally projecting and always do stupid stuff when I couldn't see her.
My house is right across the street from my university which is really nice. I have decided to give my car to my brother since I won't be using it and the double parking garage is already taken! I'll just get on the go bus and go to Toronto if I need to get the car, I will just take it whenever I want.
I can slowly tell that I've been losing weight. It looks and feels nice.
I'm on that whole "avoid everyone" trip. I have one of those every year or so. I just completely go with avoiding everyone's calls and avoiding people when I see them. I am content right now, and I want to do what is best for me. Which is relax, study, and get high.

A Game Against Time

By Hana Mo. ->Says this poem reminds her of me.

(Syria, demascus) Round and round again I’m spinning.

As time goes by will I keep on winning?

There has to be someone that’s going to come along.

And beat me in my game until I realize I’m wrong.

I don’t want it to happen but it’s all up to fate.

But as I keep playing my game, time has to tolerate.

I go through each day, living through my planned demise.

I turn minutes into hours using all my little lies.

So if someone comes alone, warn them to beware.

Because as for anyone’s emotions, I don’t anymore have a care.

As I steal people’s hearts, I crave to cause them pain.

I love to chew and spit them out, leaving them to go insane.

In the end you’ll shake and shiver, your nerves will turn tense.

I’ll take it and ruin you and your love, at any expense.

I’ll turn your life around until you begin to beg and cry.

I’ll make you fall to the ground, when you started way up high.

You have to understand that my soul only lives to play.

And since the day I was born, I’ve been living this way.

So when you enter my game, beware, and keep hold of your heart.

For it was already mine, before you entered to start.

PLayMaTes

If you wanna look, I suggest you look closer
sure you wanna fuck, but I'm a passionate lover
Yeah go ahead talk, I'm am pretty creative too
If you are all about my body, there are no worries
As much as you wanna give it to me, I wanna put out too
So save the words, get ready to undress
fuck the makeup, make me a mess
If this is a game, make me player 2
Put this on expert, no I'm not new
Place it on pause, if there is gonna be a loss
If you continue to shoot shit, it is game over
If you are forth, get ready cause we are going to start over

It's ME & YOU now

You've been waiting so long

I'm here to answer your call

I know that I shouldn't have had you waiting at all

I've been so busy, but I've been thinking about what I wanna do with you

I know them other guys, they been talking bout the way I do what I do

They heard I was good, they wanna see if it's true

They know you're the one I wanna give it to

I can see you want me too

Now, it's me and you

I was waiting for you to tell me you were ready

I know what to do, if only you would let me

As long as you're cool with it,

I'll treat you right
Here is where you wanna be

Will Always

She is always there for me, be it day or night.

She cares to listen even if she wants to sleep.

She will cuddle with me when I'm alone.

She always waits for me by the door.

She won't mind if I cry to her.

She won't be mad at the stupid shit I do.

She will always continue to be my baby. MWAH!

(My cat Simone -> who will be given to my brother because I can't take her to my new place)

Make me Drown

Make me drown within your deepest thoughts
Make me drown in your words, real or not
Make me drown along the tides that comes with time
Make me drown in hope, say you are mine
Make me drown in what is destiny
Make me drown however it's meant to be

It's my LiFe, Don'T You 4GeT

Breath in, Breath out.

Today was very strange. I've given up with my scale, and until I return it and get another one I promised I would cut down major! So now I'm down to water and 3 fruits a day. People have been commentingg on my weight loss. It feels good, but its not good enough. Today included much smoking and studying. Everything is sooooooooo clear when I'm high! I don't care if anyone disapproves. In the end, it's my life, my destiny, my right. I'm getting Hana to help me pack on Saturday. I can't believe my room must be left behind so shortly. I have learnt a lot of new things from this place. I walked into this room with inspirations of being all I can be. I will leave knowing how to achieve more. I walked in as a teenager, I will walk out as a young woman. I went through my drug abuses, and sex phases in this room. In this room. I am learnt to be strong and answer or reflect of all doubts. Before I went to sleep, I prayed to have a very clear dream that may reflect on the current positioning of my life. I drifted away, I recalled 2 symbols in my dreams. I went through a car wash; Car Wash -- >To dream that you are going through a car wash, foretells that any troubles you are currently having will soon pass. The other symbol that was completely weird what that I was personalizing my room, from the outside of the house! So on the outside brick I was painting my room!Painting the brick and decorating! Here is the definition of that ;Painting as in decorating suggests we are making recognizable changes in the way we think and feel.

So what I got from my dream is that the troubles I'm currently facing will pass and I am changing my recognizable physical image(since I dreamt of decorating the outside, it refers to physical change) --> That does relate to my diet!!! I hope others can see the connections between my dreams and my present situations.

Few times I've been around that track/ so it's not gonna happen just like that!

My ex Mike called me last night, fed me bullshit again, well, this time I fed him bullshit too. If you expect me to believe it, then here, take it back, cause I'm going to give it to you. You say you love me? Then I'm going to die for you. Ha! That is another thing with guys, they think I'm 14 and anything they say will fit into my head and fall into place in my heart. Well, to that I personally take much offence and of course I'll listen, pretend I feel, but then again I don't give a fuck. So after our phone call, I guess he decided to e-mail me. Hm. I guess he would be used as a rebound? Yeah why not?

Here is the e-mail he sent me last night:

Lina,
I hope the conversation tonight wasn't a joke, because it wasn't to me. I was hit hard by what you said, and it really sank in, more than I can take really. Babes, I'm not speaking bullshit, but I've felt that way since day one, from proposing to you that night after the wine at my house, to driving through the snowstorm, to sitting in the back of the subway. I remember all the small things we did, and I never felt more in love. You are right, I did lie to you last year about a few things. It wasn't to hurt you, it was because you made me feel like I had to be the best person alive, and I felt that way, but I wanted you to think I was that way. I don't want to make any empty promises, but all I can say is I will be that man I am supposed to be, and we can share a life that is beyond love. I will give everything that I have, to make you feel loved and taken care of. The "fuzziness" is 100X more than it was last year. Let's make something, let's make a life, let's be happy.

Mike

On the 8th

Okay, la la land is absolutely amazing. Unfortunately, I've given to the urge. There is only so many things I can not do. I'm already stressed from dieting. I decided to cut my salad off my list and the carbonated water. I do not know exactly what they may place in carbonated water! So I drank plain ol' water. With my crystal light powder ofcourse. I also had a small fruit salad and a hot chocolate. That was my day's meal. So I'm really excited of moving now. Don't ask my why. I just feel like I'm ready for the change, even if it means giving up my plum room! I went to a job fair today, it was more like a career fair but I managed to throw a few good impressions. There was this one military cadet man, oh so hot. I gave him my most seductive look throughout his speech about the military. Yeah, although there were 10 people listening to him, he was looking only at me as he was explaining. Hot hot hot. We also passed by a place where they sold hot tubs. The guy who was recruiting was so hot. I turned to my friends and said, I would take him in a hot tub anyday. He heard. We laughed. Ha ha. Moe called me today, he asked me when we when I was going to take him up for his offer on getting a room with a vodka bottle. I said as soon as I find some free time, so we are looking at a month from now. lol. I've known Moe for 9 months now. He is really good with his hands. We met at a club. I was drunk and found that there was this really good dancer on the dance floor, so I went to challenge him? We danced and as my friends and I were leaving, he asked us to go grab coffee with them. So we did, and talked till the morning. Okay, we didn't only talk. By the time he dropped us home, I was in so much pain from dancing that he gave me a pill. I didn't know what the pill was so I made him take one as well. Surely, as soon as I got home I passed out. I didn't get up until the day after. He told me the pill was traced with heroin. I still choose not to believe him. My scale is giving me difficulties. It is indicating I weigh less than I think I weigh. So, I was thinking to buy another scale so I could scale myself on both scales to see how much accuracy they hold. Tina called. She said she was mad for me avoiding her calls recently, I pretended I never received them. She said I knew her best friend Targo. I didn't know who she was talking about until she said, "yeah you guys went clubbing together, and you were soo drunk, you were throwing up." Ohhhhhh I remembered her. Tina also said she mentioned a guy Dave. No bells went off in my head, until I remembered who she was. Yeah, she was dating this guy, and his cousin happened to be really hot. So under the influence of many lines, came sex. I didn't enjoy it much with him anyhow. I was also so coked out, that I can't recall if I got any pleasure from that. He wanted to persue a relationship, but the truth is I didn't want to get involved with someone who was such a coke head. I knew that would be destruction within itself. So dear anonymous readers, due to some people who know me read my blog, I must refrain from speaking of those people. I don't know all, but from those I speculate, I will leave out of my blog. Because as I would like to say, "Who are you to me in this world, for me to be in your world." Hana and I got these really cute journals. We promised each other we are going to write all our deepest darkest secrets, anything we feel, into those journals and trade them on July 1st of this year. I will keep hers, and she will keep mine. Until we grow old and die. So I've decided that I'm going to go for it. I'm going to get my clitoris pierced. Yes, I'm even marking this one on my calendar. It's booked, that's it, the 16th of February. My reason for getting it. hmm, why not?!?! There isn't one good reason not to get it. If I happen to find a good enough reason, then I won't get it but as long as I don't, I'm going for it! I've met the most weird people this year. Gosh, I'm staying away from people that just don't know what the fuck they are talking about. It makes me laugh sometimes when I realize how much bullshit one feeds you. MEN, MWAH! I love all of you idiots, you guys are great. Seriously! I had a weird dream last night. For some reason I was with a Indian guy with a thick accent, apparently we were getting married and he told me to wear a Shari. So I did, it was red and shiny. I didn't like him but didn't know how to tell him. He kept telling me how he wanted to dye his hair. I know that this dream means. Hair means to have strength and courage, and the rest speaks for itself. If you happen to be confused, we'll that's just too bad. I have a clear image from that.

& nothing else compares

hmm, glorious Tuesdays. My day started out typically the same every Tuesday morning. I woke up to feel the heavy pressure I've been bringing on my body. My eyes couldn't open, since I have not had much sleep. My body ached, since I didn't sleep properly, and my stomach was killing me since I have been starving myself. I went and did my daily school routine, lecture, library. I then met up with "Him". I was so nervous to see since I was still a bit shocked on how I acted yesterday. What if that happens again and I'm lost for words? What if I continue to stare at him. Well, thankfully that didn't happen and I got a hold of myself. I didn't feel awkward at all. And when we kissed, it was amazing. So perfect. So we ended up making out for 2 hours, even then I didn't want to stop but I had arranged to meet with Hana. He asked me to be his girlfriend, however, I reminded him of the duties or responsibilities that would come along with it. I began to sing him Jennifer Lopez's "If you had my love..." When he gave me an awkward stare. I stopped. He said he'd accept all the things that I would ask of him since he would do anything to be with me. Aww what a cutie. So now we are dating. He's adorable. I met with Hana afterwards. She questioned my relations with Him and was pretty shocked that I would make such a quick decision without prior discussion with her. We went to the mall, did some casual shopping, had dinner and headed for home. The end of Tuesday!!

InQuiRies

Okay here is my problem,

I'm so caught up worrying about how my future (like 40 years from now future) and how I'm going to miss being young, and hot, and have such a wonderful life. I'm so fascinated about how I'm going to view today in 40 years that I've forgotten about today. In that sense, I go out of my way to have the best and most thrilling experiences now, in which I don't think, I will hold significant or hold pride to in 40 years. How can I take pride in doing drugs, when those drugs may be the death of me. In that time, I might not even live to see myself in 40 years. A year ago, I got into that mentality. I got into the mentality that I will do as much as I can now so that when I look back, I don't feel as if I could have made it any better. I will look upon my life with no regrets to turn back and change things. Do I look back and hope that I could changed things right now? Well, in an essence, no. It was those errors that have allowed me to understand, to reason, to think as I do. Simply, I admit I've made countless amounts of mistakes and continue to. However, I don't consider them regrets. There are no regrets.

*STaR* 

Night Scares and Mornin' Glory

Dreams suck sometimes. I was pondering yesterday on why I haven't had dreams recently. I then remembered! I haven't been sleeping much inorder to dream. Well, at least that's my perception. Anyhow, I decided to sleep a bit earlier, so I crashed at mid-night. To my surprise, I had a dream but it was extremely weird. I was driving my car, when I decided to find a parking space. And because there was no parking space, I parked in the middle of a busy street. So I went into this place, there was a man, and he had an extremely large dog. Like this dog was HUGE!! The man and the dog would have fights! The man told the dog to sit down so the dog smacked him in the throat!I was frightened of course, so I decided to get the fuck out of there, but the dog kept following me! So I look out the window to see a car being towed. I thought it was mine, so I ran outside and I was like, "No don't take my car, don't tow it, I don't have money, I'll have to strip in oder to pay you guys!" But I found out it wasn't my car after all. They had towed my car earlier, it was because others saw me park on the street so they also decided to park.

From all the research I did to gather the information of what precisely this dream means, I got to this conclusion.

Car signifies one's life. To park a car in the middle of the road on a busy street show a sign of "parking a habit" "parking a past" - hmm now that I think about it, it can reflect the fact that I quit the illegal substances, and people parking also could mean me being of example to my friends. For it getting towed, could possibly mean someone taking it away, and although I try to justify myself for wanting my habit back, the reasoning is not good enough. (While there is someone there to perhaps rescue me ) As for the large and scary dog, the definition that I've pulled together is " to dream of a wild dog portrays emotions and feelings in which we are afraid." And the wild dog hitting a man would very mean of me feeling emotions and feelings towards a man that I am afraid to feel.

Nicely presented. Lina gets an A.

Him

Okay I saw him. I was speechless. I couldn't talk. And when I tried, I stopped myself because I couldn't complete my sentence. The only thing I managed to talk about was the weather. Silly Lina. "So it's snowing pretty hard out eh?". What the hell was I thinking?!?!!? I am never ever ever been placed in a situation where I'm lost for words. Oh yeah, lets not forget I just stared at him, lol, omg, poor him!!! He must have felt soooooooooo uncomfortable!! So after my 2 mintues of just staring, he said he had to go. Well, yeah, so I accidently followed him past my desk. He turned and saw that I was there, "umm walk safely", I said in response.

If Anyone knows me, they know I'm completely the opposite.
I don't know what has gotten over me, I personally think he placed a curse on me- or someone did.

Lina & Vanessa 

Taken: 02/04/06 

SpiLL the Beans, but be sure to pick them up!

Alright, here I am to express my inner feelings to my dear blog, as my bestest friend Hana suggests this is my self therapy. Surely writing allows me to express myself and release any negative energy onto this site. I'm going to refer to him as "him" simply to protect his privacy. Him, is very interesting. I haven't met Him yet, although we attend the same university and he happens to be in one of my classes this semester. Our paths haven't intertwined until today. Today will be the day I see Him in person. He seems adorable. However, I can not be quick with perceptions. I've learned that the cover of the book (the way one presents themselves) is quite different from the real aspects, "the book itself" (how one truly is) It usually takes me 2-4 weeks to deliver and really tell where things are heading. That is why I don't give people chances, and when I do, I analyze, I ponder, I replay every precise detail imaginable. The way words were verbalized, eye contact, hand gestures and the words themselves. I don't usually enjoy doing much talking, because being the quite one, enforces the other person to do most of the talking and the more they speak, the more bullshit they are likely of feeding me. Men are strange for some reason. Usually in most cases, they flaunt their best attributes, they try to over rule every situation possible and have things in control. Well, that explains why I'm with such idiots. I love when men put an act on for me. It's as if I'm watching a live movie unfolding. What can I say? I prefer live plays over movies? That's why I hate watching movies. LOL. Why watch a movie, when there is live entertainment with benefits?? Anyhow, I'm getting carried away with my thoughts and philosophies. Him ?? hmmm,,,I don't know what to think, what to say, I have tried to prevent myself from making any analogies prior to really getting to know Him. Perhaps what intrigues me in him is the fact that he is different. Even live plays must come to an end. Reality must be seen, and today I will see him.

Leaving A Dark Past Is Like Waking From A Nightmare